Dear Former Fat Self,
Remember the moment you finally realised you were a little less than huge? You kept trying on all your pants and wondered why on earth they didn’t fit. It was the clothes dryer, surely. Damn! You don’t use a clothes dryer. Maybe these weren’t your actual pants? They were, you are in your wardrobe.
Remember researching on the Internet “Emotional Eating Disorders”, whilst eating cheesecake? You sure did have an issue. It was kinda obvious.
You had always been on a diet..you were pretty fat. You called yourself fat all the time, so did those close to you. “If I don’t tell you, no one else will” You had a “bad growth spurt” that turned a cute little girl’s ‘normal” body into a scary hormonal not very tall, not very short teens body. Your stomach was so BIG! Puppy fat is what is what called or was it just fat fat? You just wanted a flat stomach. You exercised, you played sport. You were very sporty but still that stomach! Your diet was pretty healthy but upon reflection how nourishing are paddle pops, jelly snakes and 2 minute noodles. You had a hunger that was bottomless. No amount of carb was going to quash that. So your teens weren’t your finest hour and when the growing stopped you started to develop into your body. You stopped the relentless hours and hours of swimming up and down that pool, probably a god send really, your appetite started to change. You tried other sports land sports and back to the pool for water polo. This seemed better for you. You even started working out at the gym..lifting weights and even learning about how to do it properly..this was working. You shifted all that weight, you were lean. You didn’t even really try, maybe you did but it didn’t feel like you did. You went to gym every morning, autopilot. Wake up, walk to the gym, train and walk back, go to school. This routine felt good, wonder how long you can keep going for? You feel your body was in tip top condition, you woke up every morning and felt proud of your body. You were in love with boys, with you, with life.
You were so into this gym thing that you thought about a career in the industry. Wouldn’t it be cool just working out all the time, being fit, healthy and knowing how your body works? So you did, you studied, you worked 3 jobs at one time and you got experience in different facets of the fitness industry. You were in the real world now. You’d kind of dreamed about this for a long time. Having a job, earning money. This was good.
You were busy but loving it. You only thought about your body every second day now. You still haven’t really nailed the whole nutrition side of things and if your workouts stopped or decreased you find it hard to get back on track. You were teaching classes, expending energy, teaching clients, moving from place to place, studying more, trying to have a social life, run a business and juggle your life. The real world was quite hard, quite intense. You were slowly burning yourself out but you didn’t really give a shit- this was going to be the best time of your life. Coffee helped. So did muffins….was it starting again? Bad food…too much on your plate…stress building..coffee…diet food because it was healthy…more muffins, did I mention they were low fat?
Uh oh! That stomach was back. How were you going to hide it from your clients and your peers? You were always up and down with your weight…a real yo-yo. Anyway, there was no time to stop. Just keep moving…push on forward. Worry about you later.
You should of listened to the others when they said he was a douche bag, a jerk and a waste of your time. But you weren’t going to let them tell you, you were going find out for yourself. And find out you did! He was a douche bag, he was a jerk and he was a complete waste of your time. And he was insecure, his insecurity made your insecurity seem a million times worse.
“You could really be so hot if you lost weight, “You’ve got a pretty face”, “The girls I usually date are models”
So he continued to “inspire” you in his fucked up kind of way and continued to drain your last little bit of self worth dry. Why did you let him? Where did you go? Oh well, it happened. No use crying over split milk.
Finally you brushed him, after he’d mooched of you for long enough, you had had enough. Maybe your spirit wasn’t fully crushed? Maybe it still was…you were feeling “meh”..stronger but “meh”. You were tired. Your passion and drive had been burnout….
In your burnout state, you peeped over the fence to see if the grass was greener. You tried a few jobs you had zero passion for, you know just to keep busy. To get by. You sat a desk for 8 hours, got told what to do.This world you were in was boring, you were not challenged at all. You could do this job in your sleep…eyes closed..lying down! This wasn’t your ideal of living.
That life was uneventful…..time for more burying of feelings, let’s eat!
Remember eating mountains and mountains of food (toast with Chocolate spread, toast with jam & peanut butter, toast with cheese, toast with toast) a whole loaf with various topping and not feeling the least bit satisfied or full. Food was never going to fill the void that had been created.
RIGHT!!! Enough is enough! No more. no more. Get passionate and fucking do it fast!
Remember the first time you stepped on the treadmill ready to go back into “athlete mode” and you couldn’t even manage 2 minutes before your lungs wanted to explode and your heart wanted to burst out of your chest? Your fat was wobbling, you had sweat on your face and you were REALLY REALLY pissed off with yourself. Pissed off that you had let it come to this, let it control you, let it take over pretty much every thought in your head. Fatty, fat, fatso. Gross! You are beginning to realise how your clients feel, this shit is hard!
You even cried (OMG you baby!) during some workouts! You hated having to say no to bad food- this was the pattern you saw, you were simply a bad food junkie. You abused food. Maybe you should stop. Maybe you should make a conscious effort to use food properly, to nourish not punish (ahhh ha moment!). Maybe you should change your excessive behaviour in favour of a more balance approach (another ahhh ha moment!)
What has been your saviour?
You have…your self belief. You worked on YOU. Everyday. Some days it was hard. Some days you were a rock star! You changed and focused your MINDSET
Your determination to just do it and not quit because you’d been to the bad place, you didn’t need to go back.
Your athlete spirit came back, you starting fighting for you. You really thought that was impossible given that you felt like a dogs ass every single day for the past 18 months or more. Weirdly, you were unhappy and just felt a bit cooped up in the indoor gym environment. The outdoors has really worked for you!
You worked out, exercised, ate good food. You stopped soothing yourself with copious amounts of energy dense food. You got a taste back for fresh delicious food. You broke those obsessive and unnecessary workout schedules.
You got out there. You made new friendships, relationships, new opportunities.
You spent time learning about your health and nutrition. What works. What doesn’t. What lies big companies are trying to tell us in order for us to consume their products.
You trusted your ability, that’s how you made better decisions. The time spent working out made you stronger physically but more so mentally
You stopped being afraid to try things. New work environments, new surroundings, a new world. A positive, happy, fricken awesome world was being created by you. No one else, you did that.
I really like you….
I almost totally accept you….
I 100% celebrate you….
Present day 2014
I am no different to you! I am human, I have feelings. This was challenging to write, I don’t really like dishing out my feelings on a platter. However, I know loads of you will benefit from reading this (I hope you do anyway!) and I will benefit from sharing my story. I also benefit by being a better trainer, person and friend. I can share insights with other fellow body haters/weight loss client etc. PLEASE tell me below if this helped or gave you any insight to your own struggle with self acceptance and your journey.
More about my Former Fat Self stories
10 Reasons Why It Sucks To Be Fat
I Have A Confession
I’ve complied my knowledge and the same tips that helped me achieve body freedom into a few different plans. Simple, healthy eating to create the body you deserve:
Banish The Bloat & Flatten Your Tummy
Get Lean Now!
Subscribe to my blog and get all my updates
Be awesome, to get some natalie carter talks fitness on a regular basis subscribe now!