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Things You Whacked-Out Health Nuts Need To STOP Doing Right Now

1. Eating 600 calories per day of fruit and veggies and ONLY THAT….where’s the protein, bro?

2. Eating pizzas with a cauliflower base. Why ruin such a good thing?

3. Yoga…how do you not fall asleep?

4. Adding coconut aminos to every freaking thing you eat.

5. Dates! Full stop

6. Being nice and joyous ALL THE FREAKING TIME…isn’t it exhausting?

7. Instagramming your weirdo OCD habits when it comes round to meal times. Pretty, pretty, pretty- all my little carrots in a row

8. And while we are on Instagram….zero shots of booze, or a croissant…or a hunk of meat…..I question your authenticity! Doing cheers with “green swamp potions”…I mean c’mon!

9. Showing your wafer thin body in your “workout gear” after you’ve done a gruelling workout of “air squats (whatever they are) and 5000 crunches. LAME!

10. Wearing big hats….you hipsters love big hats!

11. Avoiding dem weights. Lift girl! And make sure they weigh more than your handbag

12. Clocking up high “pretentious” shopping bills at your local health store

13. Riding a fixie…with a big hat

….ok I’m done. I hope you health nuts and hipsters do actually have a sense of humour as this article was intended as a tongue in cheek kinda deal. I’m sure you disapprove a lot about my boozie, meat massacring, pizza eating, weight lifting, sweat hogging, loud mouthing lifestyle too….but just keep it to yourself.

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